Kin Work: Who Remembers the Birthdays?

In the week before Christmas, a woman realizes she has bought every present her husband will give to his own family. She chose them, ordered them, wrapped them and wrote the labels. She organized the visit to his parents, agreed with his sister who would bring what, and remembered that his uncle has stopped drinking and shouldn't be given wine.

On Christmas Day, his mother thanks him warmly for the scarf. He accepts the thanks. It doesn't occur to either of them that he had nothing to do with it.

That scene is a composite, drawn from many households I heard about while writing The Work Nobody Sees. Most people recognize it straight away.

What kin work is

Some household work doesn't happen in the house. It's the work of keeping a family connected to other people: birthdays, presents, cards, holiday visits, keeping in touch with grandparents and cousins, knowing which relative is unwell and which one is offended. It also covers friendships, the couple's social life, neighbours and other parents.

In 1987 the anthropologist Micaela di Leonardo gave it a name in an essay in the journal Signs called "The Female World of Cards and Holidays". Working with Italian-American families in California, she described kin work as the conception, maintenance and ritual celebration of ties across households. She found it was done mostly by women, took real time and skill, and was rarely seen as work at all. Her study was small and specific, but the idea has lasted because so many people recognize it.

Why it's heavier than it looks

It often covers both families. In many couples, the woman keeps up with her husband's relatives as well as her own. His mother's birthday, his grandmother's card, his cousins' children. That's two families' social lives.

Its failures are visible and personal. A forgotten birthday hurts someone. The blame tends to land on whoever usually does it, even when the relative isn't hers.

It's emotional too. Kin work means soothing the relative who felt left out, mediating between siblings, judging whether a comment at dinner needs smoothing over. The sociologist Arlie Hochschild's term "emotional labor" was first used for paid jobs, but it fits here.

A simple test

When couples list their household tasks, kin work is usually missing, because it doesn't feel like housework. It feels like being a family. That's exactly why it belongs on the list.

• For each relative, ask who keeps the relationship going.
• Who would notice if contact lapsed? Who would make the call?
• If the answer is the same person every time, try this: each partner takes responsibility for their own family.

That last change is simple, and it can take a surprising amount off one person's mind.

More on the invisible side of a household in What Is the Mental Load? and The Feelings Department. Kin work is chapter nine of The Work Nobody Sees, where every study is cited with its limits.

Questions people ask

What is kin work?

Kin work is the work of keeping a family connected: remembering birthdays, buying presents, sending cards, organizing visits and managing relatives' feelings. The anthropologist Micaela di Leonardo named it in 1987.

Who usually does kin work?

In di Leonardo's research it was done mostly by women, often for both their own and their partner's family, and was rarely recognized as work.

How can couples share kin work?

List every relationship and ask who maintains it. A simple fix is for each partner to take responsibility for their own family.