Thank You

One of the most common things men say to me when the conversation turns to housework is some version of I always thank her. They mean it. Many of them do thank her, often and warmly.

The women in those same households often say something that sounds ungrateful. I don't want to be thanked. This note is about what they mean, and why appreciation for housework can sit comfortably inside a very unequal arrangement.

What gratitude does in a relationship

Gratitude matters. In 2012, Amie Gordon and colleagues published a set of studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology linking feeling appreciated by a partner to appreciating them in return, to being more responsive and to being more committed. Most of the designs were short-term and correlational, but the direction is clear. People who feel appreciated tend to look after the relationship.

So thanking a partner is good. The question is what the thanks is being used for.

The gratitude model

In some households, gratitude does a specific job. One person does the domestic work. The other expresses appreciation. The thanks is treated as the fair exchange, the thing that balances the books.

I call this the gratitude model, and it has a hierarchy built in. Thanks is what you give someone for a favour. It assumes the work belonged to her, or to nobody, and that she chose to do it for you. When a man thanks his wife for cooking the dinner they both ate, he describes the dinner as her gift to him. It was his meal too.

The language gives it away. I wrote about a phrase that does the same thing in He Helps If I Ask. "Helping" and "thanking" belong to the same picture: one person owns the work and the other is generous about it.

Why being thanked can feel hollow

Women in these arrangements often feel guilty for not appreciating the appreciation. He's being nice. What more does she want?

What she usually wants is for the work to be treated as work: shared, planned and owned by both of them. Thanks can't do that. It can also make the imbalance harder to raise, because complaining about a partner who thanks you sounds petty. The pleasant surface protects the arrangement underneath.

What real recognition looks like

When women describe real recognition, they describe it in practical terms, and almost none of it involves the words "thank you".

It looks like knowledge. He knows what she does in detail, because he has done it. He knows how long the school forms take because he filled them in last term.

It looks like ownership. He takes things on permanently, so the work stops being hers to give.

It looks like accuracy. When they talk about who does what, he describes her share correctly. The Swedish research I discussed in Fair, Not Equal linked this kind of acknowledgment to greater satisfaction for women, and its absence to a higher risk of separation.

And it looks like noticing without being told. One woman said the most appreciated she had ever felt was when her husband rebooked a cancelled appointment before she mentioned it. He didn't thank her for anything. He had been paying attention to the same things she was.

Keep saying it, both ways

None of this means couples should stop thanking each other. Thanks given in both directions, for things both people do, is part of a good relationship, and the research supports it.

The test is whether it flows both ways. If one person mostly does and the other mostly thanks, the gratitude has become a payment, and a payment that costs the person giving it nothing.

Questions people ask

Why doesn't being thanked for housework feel good?

Thanks frames the work as a favour that belonged to one person. Many women would rather the work were shared and owned by both partners than appreciated.

Does gratitude help relationships?

Yes. Research by Amie Gordon and colleagues links feeling appreciated to responsiveness and commitment. Problems arise when thanks takes the place of sharing the work.

What does real recognition of household work look like?

Knowing what the work involves, taking parts of it on permanently, describing your partner's share accurately, and noticing what needs doing without being told.