The Dating Recession: Why Men Say They Can't Afford to Date

Only about three in ten young adults are dating at all, and the reason most of them give isn't fear, apps or commitment. It's money.

The Institute for Family Studies calls it the dating recession. Its State of Our Unions 2026 report surveyed 5,275 unmarried Americans aged 22 to 35. The biggest barrier they named was not having enough money: 52% overall, and 58% of men against 46% of women.

I spent two years asking what a man is worth to a woman once his money is taken out of the picture. That 58% reads to me like the same question asked from the other side.

What the report found

• Only 31% were active daters, meaning once a month or more. That was 36% of men and 26% of women.
• 61% said they definitely expect to marry, and another 25% thought they might. The median expected age was 33 for women and almost 35 for men.
• Nearly three in four said money and finances were a major barrier to marriage.
• Only 21% were satisfied with their dating options.
• Fear of losing freedom (27%) and unwillingness to commit (18%) ranked far below money and confidence.

So this isn't a generation that has stopped wanting relationships. 83% of women and 74% of men said they date to form serious relationships. They want commitment and feel they can't afford the way there.

The price of a first date

Part of this is plain cost. Rent is high, dinners are expensive, and a man who believes he should pay for the first date is doing arithmetic before he sends a message.

The gender gap points to something else. Men are twelve points more likely than women to say money keeps them from dating. Women have the same rent. What men carry is a script: a man without money has nothing to offer yet, so he should wait until he does.

I wrote about that script in The Provider Problem and What Papi Means. The research doesn't support it as neatly as men assume.

What money signals, and what it doesn't

The women I interviewed for Become My Papi weren't indifferent to money. Several had dated very rich men. What they remembered was rarely the amount. It was what the money said about the man. One millionaire was remembered years later by the waiter who served him, and not fondly. A bracelet came twice, the second time during the breakup. One chapter title puts it in three words: Expensive isn't generous. I wrote about those cases in What the Wallet Actually Signals and Expensive Isn't Generous.

A man waiting to be rich enough to date is preparing the part that, in my files, mattered least. Attention, reliability, curiosity and showing up don't need a salary.

The other half of the gap

Money wasn't the only barrier. 49% said they lacked confidence and 48% pointed to bad past experiences. Only 29% of men felt sure about approaching someone they liked.

I suspect some of the money answer is a confidence answer in a more respectable form. "I can't afford it" is easier to say than "I don't know what I'd bring." The book ends on a photograph of a man at a party, down on one knee, fixing a woman's broken shoe strap because she asked. He does it badly, and it holds for the night. Nothing in that picture costs money. The epilogue is called He Got Back Up.

If you're a man waiting until you can afford it

• A cheap date is fine if you planned it. What a woman notices is whether you thought about it.
• Say what you can do. Being direct about a budget reads as confidence. Pretending reads as performance.
• Look at what you offer apart from money. If the list is short, that's the work, and it's free.

For more practical notes, see What Women Mean by Take Charge and the page for men.

Where this leads

A survey this week found that money is also the top source of stress for couples who are already together. I looked at that one in Money Is the Top Stress for Couples. Money keeps people from starting relationships and then strains the ones they have.

The question at the center of Become My Papi is the one these young men are asking themselves: if you take away his money, what is left that a woman would still want? The answer in the book is longer than they fear. The chapters on money are also in the shorter Mini Version.

Source: Alan J. Hawkins, Brian J. Willoughby, Jason S. Carroll and Brad Wilcox, State of Our Unions 2026: The Dating Recession, Institute for Family Studies, 2026. Sample of 5,275 unmarried U.S. adults aged 22 to 35.

Questions people ask

Why are young people dating less in 2026?

In the Institute for Family Studies' State of Our Unions 2026 report, the most common barrier was not having enough money (52%), followed by lack of confidence (49%) and bad past experiences (48%).

Do men feel more financial pressure to date than women?

Yes. 58% of young men cited money as a barrier to dating, compared with 46% of young women.

Do women only want men with money?

The women Nora Vellick interviewed cared less about the amount than about what a man's money said about him: generosity, attention and how he treated people.