Managing the Money

In most couples I interview, one person "does the money". When I ask what that means, the answers vary more than you'd expect. In some homes it means paying the bills. In others it means deciding whether to buy a house. Those are very different jobs, and they tend to be held by different people.

So when people ask who manages the money in a marriage, the first useful step is to split the question in two.

Managing money and controlling money

The sociologist Jan Pahl drew this line clearly in her 1989 book Money and Marriage. She separated managing household money, the day-to-day work of making it stretch, from controlling it, the power over major decisions. Her research was mostly British and from the 1980s, and arrangements have changed since. The distinction still describes many households I see.

In poorer households, Pahl found, women often managed the money, because managing meant coping: juggling bills and going without so the children didn't have to. Control, the bigger decisions, more often sat with men. Managing was a responsibility. Control was power.

What managing household finances involves

Day-to-day money management is a long list of small, recurring jobs. Knowing when each bill leaves the account. Moving money so the direct debits don't bounce. Tracking what the children will need next term. Noticing the insurance renewal is higher than last year and shopping around. Keeping a rough forecast of the next three months in your head. Deciding, every week, what can wait.

It is the mental load applied to a bank account. Most of it is invisible until something goes wrong, and then it becomes very visible and is usually blamed on the person who was managing.

Why it matters who does it

The person who manages the money carries the worry. Where money is tight, women describe lying awake doing sums. Where it isn't, they describe the constant, low-level watchfulness of keeping things running: renewals, subscriptions, tax deadlines.

The person who controls the money holds the power, including the power over what the other person sees. I wrote in The Secret Account about what financial concealment does to trust. It is only possible where one person controls the information.

When one partner manages and the other controls, the arrangement can look shared from outside. Both are "involved in the finances". In practice one has the work and the other has the vote.

Earning more doesn't settle it

Research on earnings and housework suggests money doesn't buy anyone out of domestic work as neatly as people assume. In 2003 Michael Bittman, Paula England and colleagues found that women's housework fell as their share of earnings rose toward parity, while beyond that point the pattern in some data turned more traditional. I looked at what that means in The Paycheck Argument.

Financial management seems to follow similar logic. A woman can out-earn her husband and still be the one tracking the bills, because managing money is treated as housekeeping, and housekeeping drifts to her.

How couples can share the money work

Couples who share this well separate the two jobs and look at each honestly.

For control, they make big decisions together, and both can see every account. Nobody needs permission to know what the household has.

For management, they split by area. One person owns bills and direct debits. The other owns savings, pensions and renewals. They update each other once a month in a set conversation, instead of through a stream of questions.

And they rotate. Several couples told me they swap financial areas every year or two, so both know how the household runs. If one of them were suddenly unable to manage, the other could step in. That is protection as well as fairness.

If you aren't sure how it works in your house, ask two questions. Who would notice if a direct debit failed this month? Who would decide what to do about it? If the answers are different people, you have found Pahl's line in your own home.

Questions people ask

Who usually manages the money in a marriage?

It varies. Research going back to Jan Pahl's work in the 1980s found that day-to-day management often fell to women, while control over major financial decisions more often sat with men.

Is managing household finances part of the mental load?

Yes. Tracking bills, forecasting costs, handling renewals and worrying about shortfalls are planning and monitoring work, the same kind of thinking work that makes up the mental load.

How should couples split financial tasks?

Make major decisions together with full access to all accounts, divide day-to-day management by area, review it once a month, and swap areas every year or two.